My life is falling apart [Revision]

I have revamped a poem I wrote on March 11, read this one and the original and let me know which one affects you better:
(https://ziggyzouave.wordpress.com/2014/03/12/my-life-is-falling-apart/)

Where my mind resides

This life has been ravaged,
it is falling apart
but not in any way I know.
The vision of truths unseen is blurring
the way grandfather stars languish
     when forgotten about,
and everyday I see the sunrise before
it does not come.
This is the quintessential dilemma
     of this life of rubble.
The structure once, is now deplete
and this rattled soul will ne'er complete
the way it courts the ball, in alleyways
on broken tin cans——not this way !
O, father! I must cease !
I am always devising comedies
from my own fictitious aggressors
——from the pits of this cornered life!

Au printemps noir,
je me souviens que
je suis fou,
fou que je ne le serai jamais
au printemps quand les filles
     montent les bicyclettes
et voila, je serai la
monter les pensées de les Hittites.
Advertisements
Comments
One Response to “My life is falling apart [Revision]”
  1. Robyn says:

    I like this better, the spacing is powerful and I love the french, it gives it an entirely different feeling. also the exclamation points, they lift the entire piece. its, i don’t know how to describe it, but i really like it :) the only thing I think that I would consider is tweaking this:

    “This is the quintessential dilemma
    of this life of rubble.
    The structure once, is now deplete
    and this rattled soul will ne’er complete
    the way it courts the ball, in alleyways
    on broken tin cans——not this way !”

    because it might flow differently if this:

    “The quintessential dilemma
    of this life is rubble;
    A structure once, is now deplete.
    This rattled soul will ne’er complete
    the way it courts the ball, in alleyways
    on broken tin cans— not this way…”

    it’s a different emotion, i know, but its just another way to perceive what your saying, just a thought

What do you think? Criticisms and praise welcome.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  • ANTHOLOGY VIEWS

    • 5,581 peeks
  • Months through the ANTHOLOGY

%d bloggers like this: